Social and Personal Identity: Understanding Yourself by Derek Layder

Author:Derek Layder
Language: eng
Format: mobi
Tags: Social Psychology, Psychology, Personality
ISBN: 9780761944898
Publisher: SAGE
Published: 2004-02-23T21:00:00+00:00

6 Relationships and Their Dilemmas

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Self-identity resides in the intersection between psychological (subjective) reality and social reality.

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Self-identity emerges and unfolds as it confronts and lives through dilemmas of behaviour and problems of life. The core dilemma of separateness versus relatedness.

• The undisclosed, private self and the normal asocial and anti-social sides of the self.

• Communication, intimacy and self-identity.

• Desire and relationships.

Personal identity is forged at the intersection between two distinct but overlapping universes or realities, that of individuals (psychological reality) and that of society, or social reality. These realities are interdependent – one couldn’t exist without the other – but at the same time they have their own distinct characteristics. That the self is created in the subtle, combined effects of these different but connected realities has, more often than not, been overlooked.

On the one hand, psychologists and philosophers have tended to emphasize the self as emerging exclusively from individual or subjective factors (attitudes, cognitive and mental constructs, instincts, innate motives, personality traits). On the other hand, sociologists and cultural commentators have tended to see the self as a creation of purely social forces (such as norms, values, discourses, class, gender). Both views overlook the complexity and subtlety of the relationship between individual and social realities, as well as how their distinctive characteristics (or properties) differently influence the creation (and renewal) of the self in everyday life.

In this chapter I argue that as individuals, we experience tensions and strains on our identities and social relationships which are a result of having a stake, and being in both worlds (universes or realities), at the same time. The two realities exert pulls and pushes on us from opposing directions while we (try to) make decisions about which direction we want to go in. This tension and opposition between the two universes impacts on both our personal relationships and self-identities by constantly confronting us with behavioural dilemmas.

Further on I suggest that there are a number of dilemmas to be considered, but it is perhaps useful to see them initially as offshoots of one basic dilemma – that between ‘separateness and relatedness’. The core relevance of this dilemma is that it directly reflects and represents the two realities of the individual and social universes. The ‘relatedness’ side of the dilemma represents social reality in so far as social relationships are the stuff of society and social reality. Conversely the ‘separateness’ side reflects the unique subjectivity of the individual.

It can be readily appreciated that this dilemma plays a central role in all our lives. Sometimes we wish to be more apart from others, to have our space, to collect our thoughts, to feel free. At other times, we want to join in with the crowd. If we feel rejected by a group or an individual we usually yearn to feel more included and not so separate. In other situations we might feel that other people expect too much of us, always wanting us to do what the group does, or what they want us to do and we secretly wish that we could have more independence.

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